Retellings that will (probably) never get written…

Hello humans! I see you’re back for some Sunday content! (I took a break last week because I had to fit in my review of the AMAZING Reign of the Fallen because to delay it any longer would be to deny you the pleasure of potentially ordering it for yourself! But this week I’m back and ready to get a little ridiculous.

I’ve been reading a lot of retellings lately. I can’t tell you why, and most of them have been superb but it got me to thinking about what’s going to happen when all the obvious retelling options are gone…and what books might possibly end up being written.

The Princess and the Frog but…

…From the perspective of that gold ball she drops in the pond

I imagine this would be quite an interesting start of a story, but after the initial drop and rescue by the frog, it would just be a lot of text about whatever cupboard/safe that ball ended up in. Who wouldn’t love a story about something gradually gathering dust?

Aladdin but…

…Instead of the cave of wonders, he gets the lamp from Ikea.

I’m envisioning at least a chapter where Aladdin wanders aimlessly round having strayed from the guiding arrows. Maybe another chapter about meatballs. The lamp, of course, comes with a matching shelving unit.

Jack and the Beanstalk but…

…It’s actually ‘Jack and the Beans Talk’

In which Jack and a can of Heinz’s finest (other brands are available) have a delightfully whimsical conversation about a variety of topics from politics to the ideal consistency of cake batter.

Bluebeard but…

…It’s called Brownbeard

Very similar to the gothic fairytale about a man who hides his dead ex-wives in a cupboard but instead his big secret is that he dyes his hair. The cupboard is obviously full of boxes of hair dye, bleach and plastic gloves.

The Elves and the Shoemaker but…

…It’s ‘The Elves and the Schumacher’

In which tiny elves come out at night and help fix his vehicles.

 

I could do this all day but I think I’d better save some for another time. Do you have any ideas for retellings that will (hopefully) never get published? Let me know in the comments below!

J

 

 

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